I Bet my Life
by MaraDixen413
Summary: #4 in the Home Verse: Five month old twins are taking up all of Sam's big brothers time. When things get serious in Sam's life, almost everyone is oblivious. Then when Sam has to go through one of the hardest things he's ever faced, will Dean be there to keep his brother from falling down into a dark place.
1. Introduction

**Here's the introduction. Updates might come slow because this story's kinda making my head hurt. Plus I'm in the processes of writing my Ten Inch Hero story you guys should check out.  
**

* * *

Dean woke to hazel eyes, puffy red hazel eyes who hadn't slept a wink at night for the last two days. Eyes that belonged to Emma Winchester.

Emma had gotten a mild cold, one they didn't want KJack to catch. So Emma as it seems, being the daddy's girl she turned into, slept with him in Cas's room, which he had finally moved into after three years, while Jack was with Danny in the room they shared. Since he was in Cas's room Cas was temporally sharing with Sam again, which every one in the house knew Sam was ecstatic over.

"Hey little girl," He greeted the baby. She reached out with a chubby fist, putting her hand over his eye. He grinned before raising up and stretching.

Emma kicked her legs up, waving her arms around talking babble. Dean wondered if she even understood what she said, or if that's why babies cried so much, because they were so frustrated.

He dressed her in purple, because that was Emma's assigned color, Jack's was green. They were always dressed in those so the rest of the family could tell them apart, except for Danny who always seemed to know who it was... they both looked exactly the same to him, he didn't know if that was bad or not. The only way besides colors to tell them apart was there pluming.

"Do you ever get tired of wearing almost the same thing everyday," He asked her. She stared up at him, blinking and smiling.

"We'll your not going to answer me, but at least your fever broke," He shrugged.

A knock on the door brought him away from her, he turned to see Sam standing in the door way still in his pajamas. "Can I come in," he asked.

Dean nodded, buttoning the jumper he'd put her in. Sam climbed up on the bed beside him, reaching out and letting her grab his finger.

"Is she feeling any better," He asked.

"Yeah," Dean said picking the baby up and holding her against his chest, "She should be completely better in a few days." One thing Dean had learned was raising his children and raising Sam were a lot different, he had been a baby himself when he started, and his mind couldn't quite grasp the fear of Sam being sick. When he was four in his mind he just figured Sam was going to be fine, but when his girl got sick he feared Ebola.

Sam, they had been through a lot together for the last thirteen years. Things had changed drastically since he carried him out the door many years ago.

His brother was growing everyday, physically and mentally. He had hit a growth spurt and was up to his shoulder now. A far cry from the skinny eleven year old John and Mary had saved. His long hair was still untamable, still hid his eyes, and the flannel shirts were growing ragged. But the way he spoke and acted was much different.

"Could you pick me up from school today.. please," He asked.

Dean frowned, the last few weeks had been difficult, with the twins. Him and Sam's pick up times had gotten rarer and rarer, he missed when he was a kid, and would wait outside Sam's class room.

"Sure bud, you OK," He asked carefully. He hadn't really been checking in on his little brother than he should, to many things weighing on his mind.

"Yeah I'm fine.. just.. I'm fine," He sighed, getting up from the bed and leaving the room. Dean watched him go and felt what he figured was guilt set in his chest, guilt he practically abandoned his first charge. He was going to change that.


	2. Berry Ch1

**So here we are, five months after the twins are born. I have no idea when the next chapter will be posted.  
**

* * *

I was cornered, no where to run. I stared at the bathroom mirror, they were headed right for me.

"Hey Sammy," Said a voice to steady to belong to a kid who's supposed to be in my grade. I sighed, getting ready for whatever punishment for whatever crime I committed. Most times I was lucky to get away with mild humiliation, other times I was lucky as long as I didn't get a scar. I could fight them, I could use what Dean showed me, but I didn't want anyone to know and fighting drew attention. Id have tell mom and dad, Id have to explain to Dean why I didn't fight back sooner, because this has been going on a lot longer than I cared to admit.

I turn to look at Jake Colman, he's fifteen. Dark hair and dark eyes, fits him perfectly. Besides his looks he reminded me oddly of Dean, only a lot more of a jerk. Leather jacket and bad boy I can put you on the ground attitude, and just like Dean he actually can.

"So, what did I do today?" I asked calmly, no sense in drawing this out.

"Don't worry Sam, were not here for you," He said, the guy with him tagged along behind him grinned, like a pack of wolves waiting for there victim. I frowned, wonder what poor kid was going to get the beef of this little gathering. I tried to move past them, only for one to grab the back of my hoodie, pulling me back against the wall.

"Wait Sam, don't leave yet, the fun is just about to start," Jake said, as the bathroom door began to open. The new kid stepped in, he had dark hair and blue eyes with freckles and glasses, a natural target for these guys.

"Hiya Berry," Jake said moving quickly over to the shorter boy. He looked panicked and almost made it to the door before he was grabbed.

I moved to jerk away from the guy who was holding me, only for him to grab my wrist and push me further against the wall.

Don't get mad Sam, DO NOT GET MAD. That's what I told myself to keep from kicking these guys teeth in. Berry, the kid, listened with wide eyes as Jake whispered something into his ear, something bad apparently because the kid looked like he was about to cry. I grunted, shoving back against the guy holding me.

"Sammy's getting restless Jake," The kid called. Jake turned and smiled at me, a sick twisted smile that lite the path for future seriel killers everywhere.

"Hold on Sam, well get to you," He assures me. He pushes Barry up against the wall harder, digging the corner of the sink into his side. I watched as his face twisted up into a pained expression, and then Id had enough.

I push my entire body against the guy hold on to me, shoving him to the ground. I got up kicked him hard in the ribs, making sure he didn't grab me while I was taking care of Jake.

Jake let Berry go, and he quickly fled the scene. Jake turned to me and frowned.

"Come on now Sammy this isn't like you," He smirked. I goes to punch me in the jaw but I duck, plowing into his mid section knocking him to the floor.

"You Sonofa-," He starts before I catch him in the jaw.

He captures my right arm, before something heavy hits me in the back knocking me onto the floor. I felt my jaw hit the bathroom tiles, my teeth cutting into my lip, blood exploded into my mouth filling it with the taste of iron. I roll over and raise up, grabbing the shoulders of the guy I knocked down. He uses my momentary weakness against me, catching me in the eye. I grunt before using my weight to push myself on top.

That's when the bathroom door opened again, with a teacher on the other side.

"Crap," I said breathlessly, rolling off the guy onto the floor. He stands there and scowls at us, eyes racking over the damage.

"All three of you. To the office now!" He orders, pointing out the door. I wince, and wipe the blood oozing down my chin. Yep, I was going to get it for this one.

* * *

I sat in a chair outside the office, holding an ice pack on my eye. It was nice and black and Dean was going to be so proud, I thought sarcastically to myself. Of course I knew Dean would be angry, I wasn't supposed to draw attention to myself, or at least I wasn't before. I'm not sure if the rules applied anymore.

"Sam!" I heard Mary calling, Cas tagging along behind her. I sighed, I had hoped Dean would come, but he was busy at work.

"I'm sorry," I said right away, hoping to fend off her anger.

"What happened!" She asks, moving my ice pack away to get a better look at the shiner forming.

"I tried not to! But they were asking for it you should have seen them," I said desperately. I remember when my old foster parents would pick Dean up from school after I fight like this, they'd yell or beat him, no in between.

"Sam just tell her what happened," Cas says from behind her.

I took a breath, "I was in the bathroom and some guys came in and started messing with this kid, so I fought them off," I explained. I knew how she'd see it though, she wasn't like John. Mary had a zero fighting policy, if you can tell a teacher then tell a friggin teacher.

"Sam what could they have possibly been doing that you'd have to fight them over," She asked.

I rolled my eyes, "So you expect me to take a beating and let another kid get messed up in the processes," I snapped. Big mistake.

She glared at me, "Watch the attitude Sam," She warns. I groaned, dropping my head gently in my hands, considering my face still hurts. Of all the days Gen had to be absent.


	3. Punishments Ch2

**Chapter two, did any of you remember who Berry was from the television series. One more thing, I'm on Sam's side on this one, but if for some reason you get a little frustrated at him that's what I'm intending.  
**

* * *

I was sitting on the couch with Jack when Sam ran past me, heading up stairs with his head down. I frowned, one: what was Sam doing home this early in the first place and Two: why was he hiding?

"Sam were not done!" Mom called to him as he vanished from sight.

"Whats wrong?" I asked. She frowned.

"Sam got into a fight at school today. Busted his eye and his lip," She frowned, heading up stairs.

"Mom wait," I said stopping her. "Take Jack, I'll go take care of him," I asked. She sighed, and took the baby from my arms. Danny was in our room trying to get Emma down for a nap.

I crept up the stairs, pushing open the bathroom door. I winced at the sight of Sam's face.

"Got ya good little brother," I commented, coming in and turning his face toward me.

He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the floor.

"Sam, ya wanna tell me why you were fighting in the first place," I asked. He scoffed.

"Like anyone even cares to hear my side of it, I got suspended for three days and the other guys got off scott free just because I was winning.. that doesn't even make sense," He said clearly aggravated.

"That doesn't answer my question," I smirked, grabbing a wash cloth and wetting it in the sink.

"They were messing up this other kid, so I helped him," He sighed, taking the rag and holding it to his lip. I frowned, knowing he wasn't telling me the whole story.

"You tell mom that," I asked, remembering how mad mom looked.

"Doesn't matter! It never matters what I do," He said, eyes locking with mine.

"Sam calm-," I started.

"No! I'm not going to calm down. I was in the right! OK, he deserved what he got," He snapped, shoving past me, I listened to his bed room door slam. I wonder, how screwed up could things get in five months?

* * *

I slammed my door behind me, kicking my soccer ball against the wall. I groaned, before collapsing into my bed. I screamed a few choice curse words into my pillow, before taking a breath. What the heck was happening to me, why was all thing crap changing, not that I didn't love everyone. Danny and the twins, Cas and Gabriel.. most times. Dad.. and I'm sure his new girlfriends.. nice.

I rolled over and reached under the covers, snatching my notebook from where I felt it this morning. I opened it up and wrote down today's events, along with the foster care system I was going to take a look into better public schools as well.

My phone buzzed, I grabbed it and looked at the screen.

Gen: Hey Sammy.

Sam: Hey.. where were you today?

Gen: Doctors appointment, sorry I forgot to tell you. You OK?

Sam: I'm suspended for three days...

Gen: What! Why?

Sam: Two words, Jake Colman.

Gen: That jerk!

Sam: I have to go, writing down the evidence.

Gen: Alright cool, want me to come over later?

Sam: Maybe tomorrow, after my parents have time to chill.

Gen: Got ya, later Sam.

Sam:Bye.

I tossed my phone back onto the bed, staring up at my ceiling. I wasn't sure what was going on in my stupid head, but whatever it was prevented anything from making sense.

* * *

I listened as John came through the door, then muffled talking. I was in for it, even if John was for my side Mary would make him come talk to me.

I listened as footsteps pounded up the stairs, even if he was walking soft. Then a knock sounded on the door.

"Sam," John asked.

I ignored him, kept staring at the ceiling.

"Alright," He sighed, opening the door, I really need to get a lock, they won't get me one, considering bad things happen whenever where sent to our room.

He stepped inside, eyes looking around. I should have cleaned it, now I'll get two lectures.

"Mary told me you got into a fight today," He said, grabbing my computer chair and pulling it toward the bed. "Wanna tell me what that's about."

"No."

"Come on Sammy, things will go a lot smoother if you'll just talk to me," He said softly.

"Don't call me that," I mumbled. That's Dean's name for me, not John's not Jake's.

He frowned, "Sam your not getting out of this room until you explain to me what happened in that bathroom," He demanded.

"I almost got beat up, and so was this other kid. So I fought back, how is that wrong," I snapped.

John raised an eye brow at me.

"That could be said without the attitude," He warned.

"Screw the attitude, I'm sick of this," I said loudly.

"Sam why do you just keep digging yourself into a deeper hole," He asked.

I huffed, and said nothing else, just stared at the ceiling.

"Your grounded until your suspensions over, for the attitude and not the fighting, and for what you said to Dean earlier," He explained.

"How do you know about that!" I said straitening up.

"Relax, before you go jumping all over Dean, Mary heard you two, he was the one who tried to defend you," He stated, standing up and moving to the door.

"What's going through that head of yours Sam, you act like were all out to get you," John sighed, before leaving me alone.

Maybe I have a reason to be mad, maybe I don't. All I know is I'm sick of being ignored, and sick of it all being my fault.

My thoughts wandered to that kid, I wondered what he thought of the whole deal. Was he thankful, or could I have handled it all better. One thing was for sure I couldn't wait to go back to school, to see Gen and then fix everything with Jake. Things have been going on like this for to long.


	4. Skipping Ch3

**Next chapter. Guys thank you so much for the reviews and suggestions.**

 **Warning this chapter deals with minor self harm and if your easily triggered then take caution, nothing graphic.  
**

 **P.S Ruby I love the reviews an suggestions you gave me and I'm definitely going to use as many as I can.**

* * *

After three days of suspension and baby-sitting duty walking through those school doors was like switching out my problems. I kept my head down, trying not to stare back at the eyes watching me. I knew by know Jake had probably made up some story and everyone knew. I got to my locker and turned to open right as I felt something heavy crash into my back and wrapped their arms around my waist. I jumped, before turned around to a smiling brown eyed girl.

"Thank god your back, this place sucks without you," She said hugging me tightly.

I grinned, "Want an update?"

"Duh?"

"Well, Jack started crawling.. not Emma because apparently she's to good for that, and mom has banned Cas from entering the kitchen after he burned a mini pizza so bad dad thought it was a hamburger," I laughed. She grinned, letting her smile light up her eyes. I groaned mentally at myself, knowing that sounded stupid.

"OK here's yours... Jake told everyone at school you had a mental break down.. and everyone believed because well.. your..," She stuttered trying to find the right word.

"A foster freak," I said bluntly, earning a look of sympathy.

"Its not even a bad thing, I don't know why everyone makes a big deal about it," She sighed.

"Because of the movies, they always show the kids who are really screwed up, they never show the ones who are just there," I shrugged.

"Have you met any.. really screwed up ones.." She asked hesitantly.

I smirked," My brother. He's, well was. The poster boy for the troubled foster child," I shrugged.

"What about you," She asked.

"I was quiet, scared. I had.. have, nightmares, about some of the bad family's," I told her. I had one a few days after I got suspended, one about what my foster parents did after Dean would come home from a fight, only me in his place.

"I'm sorry," She told me gently.

"Don't be, I'll meet you in class," I mumbled, hoping to get away from this conversation. She nodded, pulling her ridicules pink back pack onto her shoulder and heading to class. I turned and headed for the boys bathroom, not really wanting to sit in the chair behind Jake.

When I got there I discovered it wasn't empty. Berry was there, washing off his wrist in the sink, a bloody wrist.

"Berry?" I asked hesitantly, making him jump. He scrambled to get his sleeve over his wrist, holding it behind his back.

"Hey Sam.. its Sam right?" He greeted nervously. I stepped closer, wincing at the pink stained sink.

"Berry what are you doing, you don't need to do that.. I can get the nurse.." I started, before he grabbed my arm.

"No! Sam please don't do that.. I'm fine please don't," He begged.

"Why.. why would you do that," I always wondered that, why people would hurt themselves. I saw a lot of that in group homes and foster homes, even Dean. But why would a kid like Berry.

"Just don't tell anyone please.. I remember what you did for me, I'm sorry you got suspended," He told me quietly.

I was quiet a moment before I spoke again, "Don't have many friend here yet huh," I asked him.

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious," He groaned.

"Well I only gave Gen, and she saved my butt on a play ground when I was eleven," I smirked, making him laugh a bit.

"Thanks for helping me by the way, and for acting like you have some humanity," He smiled.

I shrugged, "No big deal, just please don't do that again," I asked.

"Fine.. whatever, just don't tell anyone," He mumbled, brushing past me out into the hall. I knew he was going to do it again, not like I could stop him. I groaned, before sliding down with my back against the wall. Now that I think about it I would much rather be at home, baby sitting the twins even.

But I can't go home, there's nobody there. Dean and Cas are at school, and Mom and Dad are at there jobs. Dean.. I miss him. I miss when we went to the same school and I could freak out and he'd come get me from his class and then we'd skip school together and screw what our foster parents did.

I pulled out my phone, hoping I wasn't going to sound like an idiot.

" _Hey Sam, whats wrong_ ," Dean said over the phone. I could hear other kids so maybe my classes start early.

"I just.. I.. I feel stupid," I said at last.

" _Are you OK, whats wrong_ ," He insisted.

"I just want to go home, I hate it here," I mumbled.

" _But you love school, remember your a genius_ ," He assured me. I sighed, before looking down a the tiled floor.

"I'm sorry," I told him.

" _For what_?" He questioned. I didn't want to hear what he's been telling me since I was five. I didn't want encouragement. I wanted my brother, my old brother. Who would be half way over here already and we'd skip school screw the consequences, I missed Dean.

I hung up the phone, leaving him hanging. I didn't care he'd get over it. What I knew was I couldn't go to school today. I couldn't. Maybe I could be home schooled. Great I haven't even run into Jake yet and I feel like crap.

I got up from the floor and walked out of the bathroom and out of the building. Gen would get over it too, hopefully she'd understand.

* * *

It was Tuesday, Tuesdays sucked. But they meant my Dad was off work, not John. My real dad. I walked all the way to his house, knocking on the door.

The door opened and unless something horrible had happened to my father, it wasn't him. It was a girl, with light blond hair and blue eyes, not much older than me.

"Who are you," She asked.

"Who are you first?" I questioned.

"I'm Grace, now who are you," I insisted.

"I'm Sam, why are you here," I asked, getting sick of dodging questions.

"My mom's here with her boyfriend, your turn," She smirked.

Great.. great. Where's a hole I can crawl into.

"Tell him his kid stopped by, tell him to tell my parents I'm alive," I mumbled, heading back down towards the street. She shrugged and closed the door.

Dean has Danny and the twins. Dad has a girl friend and apparently a new kid. Mom and Dad have each other. Cas has Gabriel.. who do I have anymore. Am I just Sam. There was one other person I knew who would even consider me a friend.

I pulled out my phone again.

" _Bobby Singers_."


	5. Inportant notice (NOT A CHAPTER)

Hey guys I know I'm a jerk and haven't been updating regularly but I have a serious case of writers block, so I'm going to take a break with my stories and work on just one, a prequel I'm doing for my Ten Inch hero story. Please keep hanging on I am not abandoning any of my in-completed fics, especially the Home Verse. The next chapter of I bet my Life should be up after I get through with the ten inch hero story.

Mara Dixon.


	6. Confessions Ch4

**Chapter four, can't promise when the next one is going to be out.  
**

* * *

I was mad, so freaking mad. Sam Winchester was smart, and clever and a great liar. He could make you think everything in the world was right yet there could be a fire tornado right outside. That's what he did, he made me think he was fine and then he skipped school, well two can play at that game.

So here I was walking through the high school. I was looking for Dean or Cas or anybody bigger than me, because Sam was a giant and would be difficult to drag back home. There he was, Dean Winchester. He was glaring at some other guy, a guy with a grin on his face. I didn't want to get into that so I called over to him.

"Dean!" I yelled, grabbing the attention of every kid in the hallway, not everyday a thirteen year old girl walks into a high school and calls out Dean Winchester.

He frowned, and started walking toward me, a look of concern setting on his face. "Hey Gen, whats wrong where's Sam," He asked worriedly.

"You tell me, he ditched school, will you help me find him," I asked. He looked stunned, eye brows creasing in confusion.

"Sam? Sammy skipped school. He loves school?" He scoffed.

"Yeah sure he loves school, but he hates the people in it," I dead panned.

Dean grimaced, before leading me out of the brick building and out onto the side walk, that way teachers couldn't drag us back in.

"I want you to tell me everything that's happened to Sam over the last few months, Now!" He demanded. My eyes widened at the tone, before I gulped.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean my little brothers been acting strange for months, he's a brat he's getting into fights he's skipping school... t-that's not Sam," He said shaking his head.

"He.. he's mad," I said hesitantly.

"Little more information Gen," Dean pushed.

"He's mad because you dumped him for your own family," I finally said. He's been giving me little tid bits of information over the months, just comments. "He's mad because your Dad's got a new girlfriend and kid, because both his brothers got new families, he's mad because some jerk in school keeps giving him bruises and calling him foster trash," I snapped.

Dean looks like some one just shot his puppy in front of him. His eyes widening and his mouth hung open.

"Why would he think that?" He gaped.

"Because its true!" I snapped again. I loved Sam, and I loved his family, but they were clueless at times.

"You and Cas have been at his finger tips his whole life, he had you whenever he needed you. Then you guys just left him and he thinks he's alone, he thinks you abandoned him, I know I read his notebooks," I told him a bit softer, noticing how his face had turned pale.

"I'm so freaking stupid," he scoffed, before hissing a curse word under his breath.

"Do you know where he is," I asked again a bit more insistent.

Dean sighed, and nodded. "If he thinks the whole worlds against him there's only one place he would go," He mumbled, before taking out his phone.

"Hey Bobby, is Sammy there?"

* * *

I sat on Bobby's front porch, just waiting. He had gotten a call from Dean and said he was coming to pick me up, with a spit fire tagging along. To which I translated as Gen was holding him hostage. She had to be, Dean wouldn't just leave school to come pick me up. Not leaving Danny there by herself.

I didn't look up as Bobby planted himself down on the step beside me, holding out a sandwich.

"Peanut butter and banana just like you like it," He said giving me a small smile. I gave him one in return before taking the sandwich.

"So, why don't you pick one of the many problems out of your hormonal screwy teenage mind and lay it on me and I'll try and help before the real words of wisdom get here," he chuckled, I did to thinking of how high up on the chart I put my brother.

"Have you ever wanted to... not be you? Like maybe you could throw yourself away and get a better one?" I asked hesitantly.

I winced at Bobby's glare. "Boy why on earth would you want to do that," He questioned. I shrugged.

"I think I hate myself, I don't like the way I am," I told him quietly.

"Why," He asked in a disbelieving tone. "Your smart and nice and have a great family, and from what you told me about that Gen girl she's pretty great too," He told me, he didn't understand.

"I'm a freak, nobody likes freaks," I sighed. "I'm just foster trash that's everyone hates and ignores," Now I was getting angry. "I screw things up, I made Dad leave Dean because I killed mom, I made my foster parents angry and they beat him up, I made Cas get into a car wreak because I didn't tell mom and dad what was happening.. I-I," By now I was in tears, great. Because Sam Winchesters a cry baby screw up.

I looked up at Bobby, who looked angry, fantastic..."Lets start with that first thing you said, how could you have possibly killed your mother at infancy," He snapped.

I sniffed, roughly wiping my eyes and taking a shaky breath. I screwed up again, I said to much just like always. I had never told anyone that, not even Dean.

"My mom died in a fire, she fell asleep in my room and my nightlight caught on fire... the smoke didn't go inside my crib but it got to her, and she was passed out. Dean woke up and tried to save us both but he was four and scared. He saved me but couldn't wake our mom up," Now I was really sobbing, Bobby listening carefully. "Its my fault she's dead and its my fault Dean got the bad end of everything."

Bobby sighed deeply, before turning me to look at him. "Sam that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! If your brother heard you say that it would kill him," He said earnestly. Why do you think I never told him! "As for what happened to Dean, that's not your fault!"

I stood up, and scoffed at him. "When I was eight my foster mother took me and Dean to the store, left Cas with the foster dad. She got mad at me because I was being to rowdy and she slapped me, left a red welt under my eye. Dean _pushed her_ back so hard she twisted her ankle and Dean almost got put into juvie because they believed her over us!" I snapped. "No wonder Dean could care less, I'm just a knife in his side," Bobby started to say something before the rumble of the Impala cam up the drive way. I turned and watched him pull up, Gen in the drivers seat. I turned and wiped my eyes, feeling my cheeks redden

 _Man up Sammy_ , echoed through my head. Max.


	7. Silance Ch5

**I'm sorry I haven't been getting chapters out as fast as I normally do its just that some stuff is going down around my place and writing hasn't really been my top priority. Now on to our normal program.**

 **AND CAN I SAY FOR THOSE WHO SAW THE FINAL... FOR REAL! OUT OF CHARLIE AND BOBBY AND KEVIN THEY PICK HER! COME ON ID RATHER HAVE FLIPPING MEG BACK!**

 **Rant over.**

* * *

Sam stood ridged as I jogged up to him, he stared up at me with red eyes, before he sniffed and wiped the wetness away. Standing in front of him I set my hands heavily on his shoulders, making him glare at me.

"Sam what the heck man! You can't just check out like that when ya have a bad day!" I snapped. Maybe that wasn't the best opening sentence because in a flash his hazel eyes turned cold and dull, and he took a step back, away from me.

"You don't seem to have a problem with it," He mumbled.

Memories flickered through my head, memories of my eleven year old brother standing on the porch after John picked me up at the police station. Then again when he was twelve, after I had that break down and got myself drunk and hid. I left him and this was my pay back.

I grimaced, trying not to take my brothers anger to heart. I raised the kid.. he didn't hate me?

About that time a blur with pink streaked hair brushed past me, latching on to my brother.

"Dangit Freak don't do that!" She snapped, wrapping her arms around him like a vice. Sam winced but made no move to detach himself from her. I smirked at the two love birds before turning my attention to the man standing on the porch. He had a saddened look on his face, making me wonder what went down before I got here.

"Hey Bobby," I said giving him a small smile, "Thanks for 'lookin after him."

"Boy y'all Winchesters are really something," He mumbled, giving me a smile. Over the past few years Bobby had sorta wormed his way into the second father figure position, which meant technically I had three dads? That's a story I'll be explaining to a therapist someday.

"He alright, he looked upset when I got here and Sammy don't cry over just anything," I asked. Bobby sighed deeply, before flipping his truckers cap.

"I don't know how youl boys live with so much on your shoulders, seems to me your heads would explode," He said sadly. I smirked, shrugging my shoulders.

"Didn't ya know, I'm a Winchester but I have Colt blood running through my veins, the freaking world is on my shoulders," I had to joke or else I'd blow my brains out.

Bobby frowned at me but nodded, "Better get Rocky and Bullwinkle home 'for their parents start worrying," He smiled.

I chuckled, "Sammy is getting that Moose look about him, ain't gonna be to much longer and he'll be as tall as me, if not taller," That thought scared me. Hard to believe that scrawny little smart alec I raised grew into what he did.

* * *

The car ride is silent, we dropped Gen off at school, Dean says I need to come home. So I sit here and look out the window as we drive.

Its been three years since we got placed with John and Mary, three years seems like such a long time. I remember when my life was my brothers, me Dean and Cas. I remember Dean staying up late to keep watch, making sure nobody came into our rooms at night. I remember Cas reading to me quietly, while Dean was out getting us something to eat, but that was only in the real bad homes. I remember when my tooth fell out, I was six. Dean told me about the tooth fairy and left a dollar under my pillow the next morning and I kept on believing for years. I'm not sure to this day where he got all that money but I'm glad he did it. Then there was the Easter bunny, which I regretfully must say I believed in until I was ten. I remember one Christmas when I was eight, I woke up and Dean was gone. So I freaked out and woke Cas up and together we waited for him to come back. He came back around midnight, with presents. Most of them were girl toys, we gave them to another girl in the home, but the ones that we kept stayed with us until they got to old to barley function.

I remember all this as I sit in the car silently next to my brother, who has his jaw clenched and his eyes set strait ahead. I felt bad, but sorta satisfied. His day was disrupted, well my life was disrupted. Conflicted.

Gen had been dropped off at the school, after a few forms of protest she finally got out of the car and walked up to the child prison. I got anxiety just looking at the place, that I was most likely getting detention in tomorrow. But I don't want to think about that now.

"So.. what gives," Dean says suddenly, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Gonna need more information then that," I sighed. He rolled his eyes, tightening his grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles were turning white?

"I mean! What gives. Skipping school, that's mine. Bad mouthing mom and dad, mine. Fighting, again.. mine, what happened to Sammy," He asks, taking a breath and letting some of the blood flow back through his hands.

"Sammy's a freak, I want to be normal," I said tiredly. Dean scoffed.

"Normal, well guess what Sam, were not normal, and your just gonna have to get used to that!" He snaps.

Normal, what does that even mean? What do normal kids do. Do they have only two parents. Do they keep switchblades in their back packs. Do normal kids have nightmares about burning their family's alive on the ceiling. Yeah that's right the ceiling. I'm not sure when that started, but somewhere along the line of me being around five or six, and learning exactly how my mom died, I just started imagining her on the ceiling. Even though she was found in her rocking chair.

"You don't get it," I mumbled.

"Really Sam! I've spent my whole life trying to be normal, or at least make you and Cas normal, it doesn't freaking work!"

"Maybe if you could act stable once in awhile and quit getting girls knocked up we could!"

"So what its my fault! Sorry next time I get the chance to raise you again I'll make sure I'm not holding you back? I'll make sure you don't have me dragging you down? Make sure you write me a letter from that normal little foster home, while I'm living with Max," He yelled, we both knew we were hitting low blows. But if you ask me thirteen years of pent up rage had to be unleashed sooner or later.

"Great tell him I said Hi, maybe you and him can bond over screw ups," my voice was just as loud as his, the car kept on getting smaller and smaller. That little voice inside kept screaming at me, stop!

"What can I do! I'm sorry! Is it my fault because I don't know any more, I thought this was about you skipping school but me being an idiot must have missed the bigger picture."

"Would you shut up! I freaking hate you!"

Before when I was little I told you sometimes my mouth moved without me guiding it. I said things I wish I could erase from air. I look at my brother, I see nothing on his face but pain. I put it there, I caused it.

"Dean I-"

"Shut up Sam."

Silence. I hate it.

* * *

 **One more side note I'd just like to say I check my message box everyday and if you need someone to talk to I'm here. Its better to tell someone what your feeling instead of people finding out on their own, it makes too big of a mess and you end up more mentally drained then you were in the beginning. So if your feeling a bit screwy please I'm begging you talk to someone, if not me than someone else you trust.  
**

 **#Alwayskeepfighting**


	8. Clones Ch6

**Alright so before we get into this story... I got a story. So apparently I'm not as discreet about hiding my personal life as I thought. My mother either hacked my phone or laptop or something and found out I write somewhere other than all over my incomplete math home work and one of the 25 notebooks I own. Anyway she read every single story I've ever written.. I didn't even know she had that much time on her hands? And humiliated as I might be I didn't let that stop me from writing. I ignored it, thinking, "Well now that she knows my dirty little secret she'll leave me alone about it," NO! She comes up to me with a mean look on her face and says, "You have to update that story now! How the heck did you think it was a good idea to leave it like that!"**

 **OK story time over I just wanted to share that with you. Back to our normal program.**

* * *

I watched as Sam came barreling through he kitchen and practically ran upstairs. I frowned, before re-situating the baby on my hip. Emma's eyes followed the boy up the steps, before she looked up at me with a confused look on her face. Hazel eyes asking what was wrong.

"Whats wrong with uncle Sammy," I asked more to myself than Emma. I looked over to Jack who was sitting across the room buckled into his high chair. "What about you Jack do you know?" He grinned a toothless grin at me before his more green than hazel eyes flickered to the doorway, I turned to see Dean leaning against the wall, and amused smile tugging at his lips.

I frowned, my cheeks heating up. He let the smile loose and pushed off the wall, moving to stand beside me before taking Emma out of my arms.

"I think mommy needs a break, huh sweet heart," He said to the baby, sending a smirk my direction. I glared at him, before leaning over and kissing him. Then I pulled away, making him frown.

"Whats wrong with Sam," I asked him. He took a deep breath, looking down at Emma, reaching up to brush a short strand of strawberry blond hair behind her ear.

"Can we not please," He asked quietly. His bright green eyes dulled slightly, something that only happened if he was really hurt.

"Dean?" I pushed, leaning against the counter.

"He told me he hates me," He mumbled barley above a whisper. At first I thought I heard him wrong, Sam hates licorice.. not Dean. If anything he loves Dean more than anything.

"He didn't mean it," I told him softly.

He clenched his jaw, his eyes not leaving Emma's face.

"He still said it, he's my brother but I raised him and he said he hates me.. can't wait until Emma and Jack's teenage years," He said bitterly. I winced at that, I was still a teenager myself and look at the mess I got myself into.. with help of course.

"He doesn't mean it," I said again firmly. "He's just upset.. things have changed pretty drastically over the lest few months," I suggested. I wasn't going to pretend I missed the glares Sam sent me every time I took his brother away early, and I really hated that. I loved Sam.. but I needed Dean. I reached up and brushed a hand over Emma's unruly hair.

"How did things get so screwed up," He whispered. Probably when we screwed up, but he didn't need that.

"Maybe when your parents get home they can help you talk to him," I suggested. He scoffed.

"I used to be able to talk to Sam just fine without them."

"Then what about Cas," I suggested running out of idea's. I knew where Cas was currently, at the library with Gabriel and Meg. Its wasn't just Sam who was getting left out of the picture. All three brothers were growing apart.. that was bad. It had always been them, from the beginning.

I remember meeting Dean in the registration hallway, three years ago during our freshmen year. I then remember Sam running into the hallway, a big excited grin on his face with a frog held tightly in his hands, so excited to tell his big brother what he caught. The of course Cas trailing behind him, the long tired defeated parent look plastered onto his face, he was still the oldest after all. Just like Dean he held a certain degree of responsibility on his shoulders.

He shrugged, "Well see. Until then," The look in his eyes was wiped away just like that, he brushed it off and was again leaving his problems for later. He bounced Emma and made her giggle, then made a face at Jack. The little boy grinned, his more green than hazel eyes lighting up, his more blond than strawberry blond hair sticking up in all directions.. I recognized that look.. that hint of a smirk playing at his little mouth. I then looked up at his daddy, the same one plastered on his face.. both looks cloned each other.. crap.

"There still fun when they smile at everything," He grinned.

* * *

The next morning it wasn't my phone waking me up this time, well because my parents took my phone and grounded me until collage, or at least that's what two weeks felt like. But this time I was woken up from a thumping on my window. Serial killer came to mind but if I were a serial killer i wouldn't announce my presents. I threw the covers back from the bed and made my over to the sound, drawing back the curtains. My eyes widened and anything I was going to yell died on my lips.

"Sam can you come out side a second?"

* * *

 **Who do you think was outside the window. I mean I don't really care but I like screwing with you guys and hearing what you think. Please review and follow see ya next chapter.  
**


	9. One thing after another Ch7

**Chapter seven. Glad my update times are getting back to normal. Sorry for any grammatical errors.  
**

 **And to Ruby, your finally getting your request Lol.**

* * *

I opened the window to greet Gen.. and Berry. The kid from school.

"What are you doing here? Why are you here?" Gen rolled her eyes at me, before pushing past me and climbing into the room, Berry right behind her.

"We have some things to talk about.. and put on a shirt please," Gen winced. I scowled at her, grabbing a shirt off the chair under my desk.

"What! Whats so important that you have to sneak into my house!" I asked suspiciously. I watched Gen as she walked around my room, she had never been up here. Mom never let us go upstairs by ourselves, which seemed a little unfair to me since Cas and Meg got to hang out in his room and Dean and Danny got to share one.. but of course Dean had twins with Danny and Cas is eighteen? I watched her look through my books, and the posters on the wall.

"Berry tell him what you told me," Gen said, turning her attention back to us. I turned to Berry, who was looking a bit uncomfortable.

"I heard Scott was going to wait for you today, he says he's going to teach you a lesson.. this time he's bringing all his friends..," Berry said reluctantly.

I gulped. Scott has a lot of friends.. who aren't exactly on best terms with me either. "Where?"

He shrugged, "I don't know.. but you're in trouble," He grimaced. My head started to hurt, why me. Why can't he just leave me alone.

"Sam can we please tell someone about this.. before things get to out of hand.. like De-" She started.

"No! Not him! Not anybody," I snapped. She frowned at me, huffing and crossing her arms.

"Sam he could seriously hurt you!" She insisted.

I shrugged, "I've been through worse people than him," I told her, making Berry frown.

"Who's worse than Scott?" He questioned. I paled, thinking of Max. Id been dreaming a lot of him lately, I'm not sure why? Just random nightmares.

"Foster kids meet a lot of bad people Berry," I told him sadly. His eyes widened in understanding.

"Oh I forgot... sorry," He mumbled staring down at him feet.

"Sam what are you going to do," Gen said bringing my attention back to her. I groaned, before collapsing backwards onto my bed.

What was I going to do, I couldn't just go to school, that would be a death sentence. But I couldn't not go to school, that also would be a death sentence.

"If I were you Id be getting the heck out of dodge," Berry commented, sending a spark through my mind. Get the heck out of dodge, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I got up from the bed and went to my closet, pulling out my book bag and began to stuff it full of clothes.

"O no don't tell me your doing something normal for once," Gen groaned. Berry raised an eyebrow, obviously confused.

"Think about it Gen, things aren't working here, for now at least. If I leave for awhile maybe then people will get their crap together, maybe Mom and Dad will realize how bad it is, its a message," I stated shoving clothes in my bag.

"Or it will make things worse," She insisted.

"But you don't know that," I snapped, before a cry to erupted from the room next door.

My eyes widened in panic, along with Berry and Gen, but it died down until there was nothing, making me release the breath I was holding.

"Shut up," Berry hissed. He didn't want to get caught in here.

She rolled her eyes. "Please think about this," She begged. I then went to my desk and pulled out the drawer, grabbing the little plastic beg I kept inside. The content contained my mothers picture and my allowance, that I could use to buy a bus ticket. I wasn't like Dean, I had a plan.

"I'm tired Gen, things have to change, even if I have to do it myself. I'm sick of being pushed to the back and ignored, besides, Dean has a new family now," I told her as I pushed past her to grab my Notebook.

She was quiet a moment before she sighed, "Then I'm coming with you."

"What! No," I yelped spinning around to face her, and Berry who was looking extremely uncomfortable.

"I think you should just talk to-," He started before my glare shut him up.

"I'm coming, besides my parents are out of town for two weeks anyway, and I'll tell my brother I'm staying at a friends house, not like my parents are home enough to miss me anyway.. unlike yours," She says pointedly.

Her face has that determined look to it, one that says she's doing this whether I like it or not. I roll my eyes and turn to Berry.

"Breath a word of this to anyone," I began. He threw his hands up in surrender.

"Relax you two are crazy.. I want no part in this," He sighed, backing up toward the window, then climbed out and headed down the side. I turned back to Gen.

"Lets stop by my house really quick so I can grab my stuff OK," She asked. I glared at her, and nodded.

* * *

I was woken up by a small leg being thrown over my chest, making me smile. Jack never ceased to amaze me.

I turned over to meet his sleepy green eyes, making him smile back. I know now for sure he does this on purpose every morning to wake me up, he's an early bird. Emma on the other hand was not a morning person, like her mother. She liked to sleep as long as possible and even when she was awake she wasn't all there until breakfast.

"How long have you been awake," I asked him, but of course he can't answer. He usually woke up pretty early and would just lay there until he decided to wake me up.

I sat up in bed and stretched, feeling like I've been run over by a train. Throwing back the covers I stand up, lifting Jack into my arms and carrying him on my hip.

I carried him down stairs to the kitchen, where Mom and Dad where already awake, barley though since Dad looked like he was about to kill over into his breakfast.

"Hey kiddo's," Mom greeted, brushing by me to kiss Jack on the head. He frowned and batted her away, making her laugh.

"He's fussy in the morning," She grumbled, grabbing some Rice Crispys out of the pantry, since it looks like Dad cleaned out all the Lucky Charms. Sam was gonna be in a crappy mood now thanks to him, not that Sam wasn't always in a crappy mood.

"Dean go wake your brother up, tell him breakfast is ready," She ordered. She meant Sam since Cas, again, slept over at Gabriel's.

"Why do I have to do it," I frowned, making her glare at me.

"What is with you two lately," She asked, taking Jack out of my arms.

I shrugged, then retreated upstairs. There was no way I was getting drug into that conversation.

I knocked on Sam's door, waiting for him to yell at me to go away, but all I got was silence.

"Sammy wake up," I yelled through the wood, nothing. Panic began to build in my chest, panic that shouldn't be there. But still, memories of the past seemed to come up whenever it involved my brother, and not answering the door usually meant something bad happened to you.

I opened the door, eyes roaming the room. His bed had been slept in, but there was a note sitting on the pillow. Crap. I walked over and picked it up, letting my eyes rake down the sloppy hand writing, not Sam's.

 _Dear Sam's parents, and brothers._

 _Don't worry, I wont let anything happen to him, and I'll try to convince him to come back. He says this is a message to you, since you won't really listen to him. Did you know about Scott, do you know how bad it is. Do you know about the rumors spreading around school that are making it hard to even walk down the hallway with out getting shoved into something. I'm not blaming you guys, but take a closer look, stop pushing him into the back. He needs you guys._

 _P.s I'm pretty sure the place we're going is familiar to you Dean, Sam said something about a safe place._

"Mom! Dad!" I yelled, crumpling the note up in my fist. One thing after another.


	10. His name was Max Ch8

**Hello people it's Mara, I have a question.. who the heck is responsible for those stupid marshmallow chicken things! Little brothers eat them and then they melt on computers!** **Well back to our normal program.**

* * *

I woke at noon, I think. Either way the sun is to bright for my liking. Gabriel's couch I have decided is the most uncomfortable thing in the world, especially when you both end up falling asleep on it. Legs tangled and necks at odd angles, it was horrible.

But that's not what got me, it was the fact that the light burned my eyes so bad It felt like they were on fire, or the pounding inside my skull. The memories of last night were foggy but I doubt they were legal. I mean I was only eighteen, and I was definitely hung over.

Then my phone vibrated from my back pocket, making me jump slightly, enough to make Gabe stir, but not enough to wake him. I pulled it out and held it to my ear, cursing silently whoever was calling me.

"What." Not the normal way I greeted people but considering...

 _"You're grumpy?"_ Dean's obnoxious voice said filtering through the speaker.

"Hello Dean," I sighed, my voice softening a bit. He was my brother after all, if it had been anyone else I would have hung up.

 _"Dear brother we have a problem,"_ He sighed. I groaned, and sat up, untangling my legs from Gabriel and throwing them over the side of the couch.

"And that would be?"

" _Sam's gone."_

I was fully awake now, my eyes widening. "What do you mean gone?" I snapped.

" _We screwed up big time man, or at least I did,"_ He said sadly.

"What's wrong, is he OK," I asked, standing up and looking around the room for my keys.

" _He ran away, left a note said he was going to the safe place," _He said quietly.

Memories flashed across my mind, the safe place. We were ten and six, it was our first home placed together since we met. It was where we met Max.

Just the thought of him sent a chill down my spine, I swallowed hard and pushed the memories away.

"Y _o_ u think he's there _,_ " I asked hesitantly.

" _Where else_?" He answered.

"So when are you picking me up," I asked, I didn't need to ask. I knew he was coming to get me.

"Right now, I'm in the car. I need to fill you in on somethings, Dad called Bobby and he told us some of the crap Sam said," He said with guilt lacing his voice. I didn't try and help, because I was just as guilty. This was our fault.

* * *

I watched Sam, he was slumped in his seat staring out the window of the bus. I felt anxiety growing quickly in my chest. We were really doing it, running away.

What I said was true, my parents wouldn't miss me, I had three older brothers, and two younger, they had enough kids to worry about. But Sam, he would be missed.

He hadn't written in his notebook since we got on the stupid bus, he was just quiet.

"Sam are you OK," I asked gently. He lifted his head to glare at me.

"What about this makes you think I'm OK," He said quietly. I nodded, as he turned to stare back out the window. I didn't know what to do, how to help him. Slowly I reached out until I touched his hand, he didn't jerk away, then I laced my fingers through his and squeezed.

"I'm sorry I drug you into this," He said quietly. I said nothing, just leaned over so I could rest my head on his shoulder.

"You don't have to be sorry, your my best friend I'm always going to come with you," I told him.

Awhile passed, and I had though he fell asleep. "Where going to Missouri," He told me.

I nodded, "I figured?" I sighed.

"Where going to a place where I used to live, it's in the same town I was born in.. and then I left when I was six," He said hesitantly. I frowned, wondering what he was going to tell me next.

"My real family lived in Missouri, before the fire.. it killed my mom, it killed my dad's mind," He said swallowing thickly.

"The first foster homes where OK.. then there was him.. His name was Max. Cas used to think he was demon, because he had yellow eyes, but that was from the alcohol" He squeezed my hand again, shutting his eyes tightly.

"Things got so bad, Dean didn't like falling sleep, he was afraid Max would come into are rooms at night.. and.." He paused, taking a deep breath.

"So Dean skipped school, with me and Cas, we were going to run away.. we didn't know where to go, Dean was only ten, so he went to the one place he knew how to get to?" I watched as a spot on his jeans suddenly became very interesting top him, as if he didn't want to go on.

"Our social worker used to take Dean to visit our moms grave, our therapist said it would be a good idea. So she would take us there every week, and Dean memorized the way," He stopped talking after that, and I guess soon I'd figure out the rest.

My heart hurt. It hurt to think all those bad things happened to him. I wanted to make it stop, wanted to go back and change it.

"I love you Sam," I said quietly. I wasn't sure how. I mean I liked Sam, I think I even _like like_ him, I kissed him. But I knew I loved him, just him, in a romantic or a friend way. I know love means you always want that person by your side, and you want to protect them. It means running away with them to keep them safe.

"You to."


	11. The worst Ch9

**Hey guys here's the next chapter.**

* * *

Castiel opened the door and climbed into the back of the Impala next to Micheal, I was in the passenger seat, and John was driving. Normally I would be driving, but my hands are shaking to much.

"So? What the heck is going on?" Cas asked as soon as John got out onto the road. I sighed, before looking back at him.

"Did you know Sam's getting bullied, or that kids are spreading crap about him around school," I asked hesitantly. I wouldn't know what to do if he said yes, because then why wouldn't he tell me.

"I knew he got into a fight? I was with mom when we picked him up," He explained. I nodded, and fell back into the front seat.

"So Dean, where are we going?" John asks. I gulped, not exactly sure what to do. I've tried to keep as much as possible from John about what are lives where like before, and now where going back to one of the places I still have nightmares about. Especially when my father, birth father, was sitting in the back seat.

"Where going to Missouri, where I was born.. where mom died," I said quietly. I could hear Micheal start to move in the back, and I bit my lip. This was going to be a very uncomfortable trip.

"Why would he go back there, I thought we promised never to go back there," Cas questioned, there was a tint of anger in his voice, but it was justified. We had promised never to go back, but here we were.

* * *

 _The car pulled up to a small house. There was nothing special about it, it looked normal. Dean stared un-trustingly as the front door opened, and a women came out to meet them. She was older looking, her eyes where dull and grey, and her face was hard. But she plastered on a smile and walking out to them.  
_

 _Their social worker opened up the car door, ushering the three boys out. Dean reached out and grabbed his six year old brothers hand, pulling the small boy to his side. Cas stood close beside him. His new big brother was really sort of a little brother, Cas didn't like to be in charge. But that was alright with Dean, he'd been taking care of Sam for six whole years all by himself._

 _"Hello boys, I'm Carrie, what are you names?" She questioned. Dean frowned at the women._

 _"Shouldn't you already know that," He said a bit harsher than he intended. His social worker cut a glare at him, and Dean shrank back a bit._

 _"I'm Sammy," His little brother chirped as he brushed his dark hair out of his eyes. Carrie smiled, and it almost seemed real that time. She smiled like some of the kids at the home, like they wanted to but they couldn't._

 _"I'm am Castiel," Cas said in a hard voice with a slight smirk on his face. Dean had to hold in a grin. He had dared Cas to start introducing himself like Batman._

 _Lura smiled, their social worker. "I have to go really quick, I have another kid I have to go see? I'm going to try and be here tomorrow and inspect the rest of the house but I really have to leave," She said reluctantly. Carrie nodded and smiled again, before she reached out and put a hand on Cas's shoulder. The smiled dropped from his face and he jerked away, making the women frown._

 _Then as Lura pulled away she spoke again. "When Max gets here you better not pull away like that, understand." She said firmly. Dean frowned, Carrie was supposed to be the only one living in the house, they hadn't mentioned anyone else._

 _He just gripped Sam's hand tighter and moved an inch closer to Cas, even if he acted like a little brother he was still a big brother. Big brothers were supposed to protect you.  
_

* * *

If I had known then what things were going to turn into, I would have ran away with Sam and Cas right then. But I didn't.

"He's making a point Cas, he want to push us," I told him. From what I read in the letter, Sam was angry, and that was understandable. "We forgot about him and he's going through all this crap.. he just wants us to wake up."

"That safe place he's talking about, mean anything to you?" John asked, Micheal was staying quiet.

I shook my head. "We tried to run away once, or we'd hide until he went to work. It was just some old Cabin we found outside a cemetery.. but knowing Sam he's going to find some other place, he wants us to look for him," I suggested.

"He?" Micheal said finally speaking up.

Crap.

"Our foster father," I said numbly.

"Was he a bad one?" John asked gently.

I scoffed, but Cas answered for me in a hard voice, "He was the worst."

The car got silent after that, but I could tell Micheal was just itching to ask questions. Ones that I wasn't going to answer.

* * *

 **OK I know y'all probably hate me for taking forever to update and then not even showing Sam. But guys I've been it in da face with writers block so be thankful I got something out lol.  
**

 **Any suggestion at this point would be life saving.**

 **One more thing. After this story is complete, before I start on the next one. I'm thinking about going back and rewriting the old ones. It will be the same, but with better writing and better plotting with extra thrown in. I was twelve when I wrote the first one and two years have sorta made my writing better, not perfect, but I understand how spell check works now and the importance of your and you're.**


	12. Not a chapter

Hey guys,

I'm just going to be honest, and Id like to apologize for not updating.

I have an Anxiety. Its so bad I'll have panic attacks over the most normal things that I just can't seem to grasp. One thing I've started freaking out about is not updating fast enough, or not getting a story out fast enough. It sucks but unfortunately I can't help it.

Just in case your worried, I'm not quitting the site or anything, or abandoning any of my stories. Its just that I can't get them all updated fast enough without working myself into a freak out. So here's my new thing. I need to take a small break, It should only be a week or two long. During this break I'm going to work out a schedule or whatever for my stories.

To the fans of my Supernatural Foster AU, you guys are amazing and patient, and I thank you. By the end of the week I'll try my best to have a new chapter for you guys to resolve the cliff hanger I left you on.

To the I am a Winchester fans, I'm working on the Sam chapter as fast as I can without killing myself.

To my Boaz Priestly fans, I haven't abandoned it, I'm just working out the outline since I decided to switch somethings around. But the next chapter should be posted around the time I post a new chapter for I bet my life.

To my Redeemed fans. Little Ray will be back, I actually just started the next chapter in my notebook. In a week, I promise.

To my Seeing you again Fans, I'm still trying to work out the knots in the plot line but I should be back soon.

To my The end of the world fans. This story is tripping my brain out, but I'll try and get a chapter out when my break is over.

Any other stories I have not mentioned of an hold for the time being, but I will be back. I will not start any new ones until ALL my current stories are finished.

I'm really sorry guys, I really am. I'll see you in a week and hopefully I'll have my life straitened out by then.

Peace out.

~Mara


	13. You looked happy Ch10

**Hey guys, thank you so much for your support. My mental breakdown is now being tamed and now hopefully you guys will be getting a new chapter every Monday. Its been so long and for those who thought I abandoned this, "Oh ye of little faith!"  
**

 **Sorry its so short but I got a troubling review and just wanted to send a flare up to show I was still alive.  
**

* * *

Now I understand the term, Nostalgia. Its that feeling that hits you like a wave, good or bad. This memory is bitter sweet.

My brothers and I together, just us, yet we were hiding from our greatest enemy.

"You lived here?" Gen asked letting her eyes roam over the small cabin. There was no way we were staying here, but I wanted to see it for old times sake.

It looked like it did the first time I saw it, the windows covered in dust and the door barley on its hinges. It was a dump. But for six year old me it was a safe haven. It was our house.

I pushed open the door and stepped inside, it was dark, so I went over to the window, and opened the curtains, letting the sun shine in. It was just how we left it, because of me. Again.

Dust went up my nose, and it took all I had not to sneeze. I looked over at Gen, who laughed at the face I made.

"Very attractive?" She smirked.

"Shut up I have allergies," I defended. She only rolled her eyes.

Gen went to one corner of the room and I made a move to the other, where a bed frame sat, the mattress long gone. Underneath it sat a little green metal box, D.W scratched into the chipped pain covering the side. I pulled it out and opened it up, knowing the combination for the small padlock was always going to be his birthday.

 _"But everyone chooses their birthday?"_

 _"Shut up Cas!"_

Ten year old voices echoed in my head.

Inside was what was left of my ten year old brother, back when it was just us. The first thing I saw, were little green army men, they were mine, he kept them here so other kids wouldn't steal them.

 _"Can I keep my men in their so they don't get crushed to death?"_

 _"You know their toys right, Sammy?"_

Then there were his pictures, one of mom, Dad was ripped out, he had been mad that day. Then one of him holding me while sitting in a chair, back before. Then there was a more recent one, or at least back then. Of him, me and Cas, standing in front of the old group home.

" _Smile Cas!?"_

 _"I don't understand.. why do I have to say cheese?"_

"You guys looked happy," Gen said kneeling beside me, I jumped at her sudden appearance, but agreed.

"Yeah, if we only knew," I scoffed.

"Think of it this way, if you hadn't have gone through all the bad times you wouldn't have met John and Mary," She explained.

I wasn't going to tell her how much I thought about that. That maybe if I had been gone, Dean might have been adopted into a good home, and kept. How Cas might have been able to stay with Gabriel. Or how John and Mary could have adopted a baby like they wanted, they never said anything but I know it was true. All the parents wanted little kids, but I'm glad they dealt with us.

I shoved the box and its continent back under the bed, shoving away memories. There were no notebooks unfortunately, this was before I even knew how to spell my name. It was after Max I started keeping a record.

I stood up and sighed, suddenly feeling heavy. There were so many what ifs, what would have happened if Micheal had kept us, is John and Mary's kid hadn't of died, if Dean and me had gotten adopted sooner, if Cas found his mom, if him and Gabe stayed together. It was almost suffocating.

"Lets find someplace to sleep tonight okay?" Gen asked, she must have noticed my shoulders slump.

"Sure, I think I know a guy who won't I.D us," I smirked, remembering Derek. Our foster mother used to take us there when Max got way out of control. Sometimes if she couldn't take us, before we found this place, Cas or Dean would pay the guy the money Dean earned from his odd jobs and the guy let us stay in the motel. The more I thought about what we've done the more I question how we're alive.

I took one last look around the dusty cabin, before turning and stepping back outside, with Gen by my side.

* * *

The motel was just the same, which was surprising, I really hadn't expected it to be here. The only difference was it was owned now By Derek's son, Shane. Thankfully he was as much of an easy job as his father.

The room was small, with two twin beds and a TV. Gen made a bee line for the bathroom, and left me alone in the room. The first thing I did was plop down on my bed and take out my phone, 37 missed calls from Mary Winchester. Great.

The heavy feeling in my chest got bigger, and heavier. For the millionth time today I re-thought about what I had done. Only now realizing how stupid it was. But that's the problem with stupid, once you become it, its too late to fix it.

I grit my teeth and hit the call button, waiting for the phone to ring. I was going to regret this, but the guilt was too big. I knew Mary and John loved me, and I just left without even telling them I'm okay?

I didn't have to wait long for an answer.

" _Sam_!?"

"Hi mom," I said quietly. She sounded so scared.

" _Baby where are you_!?"

She began to cry, and I hated it.

"I can't tell you, I'm sorry I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'm doing but I have to!?" I told her, wishing it made sense. I couldn't go home, after just leaving. Plus Scott was waiting for me. Once he found out I chickened out I was dead meat for sure.

" _Dean thinks he knows where, he's coming to get you_!?" She sniffed from the other line. Two things hurt, I made my mom cry, and I ripped my brother away from his new family. I was selfish, I had to be. He couldn't be there every time I got upset, he had two kids now. But at the same time I was happy. He cares enough to come get me.

"I love you," I said bluntly, hanging up. Running away from them again.

I stuffed the phone in my pocket and pulled my legs up onto the bed, laying down on the pillow. I threw and arm over my eyes and prayed for sleep.

* * *

 **I'm re-writing the old stories in this series, I write edited in front of each chapter that's edited. I haven't gotten many yet but their coming. I hope you guys check it out, and again please forgive me for my absence.  
**


	14. Home sweet home Ch11

**I ain't even gonna try and defend myself, commence your tomato throwing!**

* * *

It had been about an hour since we'd switched seats, and the boys had fallen seemingly into sleep in the back. Cas slept silently, nothing but his breathing as a sign he was even alive, he rested slumped over against Dean's side with his head cocked at an odd angle. Dean on the other hand would mumble, his eyes moved back and forth behind his eye lids and his hands twitched and his shoulders tightened.

I looked back at my boys and felt a semblance of pride swell in my heart. It was strange, considering our family. Our very strange and broken family, made up of blood and loyalty and bits of old broken families. To think it was just those three boys that changed it all, the odd one, the mean one, the baby.

Things had been twisted and warped beyond reason, and they still were, but now we had the power to fix it. It was me and Mary, the boys, Danny and the twins, Cas and Gabriel, and now I guess Micheal was apart of this as well. But I didn't like to admit it.

Sammy was always the glue. He was the stubborn one who wasn't afraid to call you out, he was the caring one who was there when you needed him. We took him for granted and got so wrapped up in ourselves we forgot the kid was dealing with his own demons. That eleven year old kid with baggy jeans and shaggy hair that covered his eyes and his own troubles.

Now all three of my boys were heading back to the place that still gave them nightmares.

I looked over at the man sleeping in the seat beside me. His head slumped against the window. Just looking at him made me angry. I wanted to pull this car over and jerk him out and beat the crap out of him. My hands tightened on the steering wheel at just the thought.

I was good, I was civil. But it was almost unbearable watching his just waltz back into Sam and Dean's life, trying to be their dad one second their friend another and that weird uncle that hardly showed his face the next. He kept switching his roles and it was giving me, Mary and maybe the boys whip lash.

It wasn't just that, but the simple fact is that Sam came to him for help. He didn't come to me or Mary, or even Dean and Cas, no Sammy went to him. The man who abandoned him and his five year old brother at a motel right after the death of their first mother.

I grit my teeth, trying to change my thoughts. Instead of ranting about Micheal silently I might as well sort through the bigger problems.

There was Sammy first. We couldn't let him get brushed under the rug again. Nobody really saw it, but sometimes Sam was worse than Dean in hiding things. Dean was easy to read, he hide it all in sarcasm and his jokes, that or the blood on his knuckles gave it away. But Sam, Sam was an allusion. He made you think you knew him, made you think that it was all okay because Sam was the smart one, he was the put together one with the plans and the head on his shoulders. But in reality you had barley even begun to scratch the surface. Sam hid all his problems by fixing everyone else.

So much had happened since those boys came into our home, between Micheal and Gabriel, and now Danny and the twins. We were all being stretched in different directions and it has me worried. Dean obviously had his family, Sam was dangling from the ledge between complete isolation and his friend Gen, and now Cas was being stretched thin by Gabriel and Meg.

When this was all over, I was going to fix this. But first we needed the glue back.

* * *

"Dean, wake up."

I pried my eyes open, sunlight cutting through my brain like a knife. I hated sleeping in cars, your neck always at an odd angle, limbs numb, bones kinked in strange ways.

I yawned and stifled a groan as I stretched out the knots in my shoulders. Everyone always says I'm way to young to sound so old, but hey I didn't choose my life. I didn't choose couches and mattresses dumped on the floor, I didn't choose to sleep in a car whist searching for my little brother.

Life's crap.

Cas steps back, behind him John stands, his hands stuffed in his pockets with sharp brown eyes scanning the area. John did that a lot, especially in new places. It could be as simple as a new grocery store and John still needs all the exits. Mary said he picked it up from the marines.

"Where's Michael?" I asked, noticing he wasn't outside or inside the car.

"We dropped him off at the motel, he's gonna get a room then ask around town if they've seen Dad," he replied.

I frowned, "He's just gonna walk around town?"

Cas shrugged, "It was his idea?"

I smirked, before looking past Cas and John, at what lay behind them. An old dusty run down cabin. Cas must have given John the rest of the directions.

I gulped, climbing out of the car and letting my boots hit the dirt. I sucked in a deep breath as memories washed over me, but the air felt like ash in my lungs.

I remember everything.

I looked up over to Cas, who's eyes were blank and dull. Like they always were. But they weren't empty, I could practically see the conflict running around in his head.

It was like it had been the first day, I wore Michael's jacket and my heavy boots. Cas wore his trench coat and his hair stuck up in all directions from the car ride.

It was like we were before things got so complicated.

I wouldn't trade Danny and the twins for the world. They were part of my family now and family was forever. But I missed it still when me and Sam and Cas knew each other like the back of our hands. Now I couldn't even tell when my baby brother was on the edge of breaking down. I've said this over and over but somehow my thoughts always return to this point.

Now Sam was trying to punish me for it.

"This is were you three lived..." John asked numbly, staring at the run down cabin. Thoughts of three little kids living out in the middle of nowhere trying to hid from the yellow eyes man who's breathed smelled of whiskey and hands felt like sand paper.

I took another breath, "Yeah, home sweet home."

"Nope. Just a pit stop," Cas interjected, pushing past us to go inside. I didn't see his face, but his back was too strait and his sholders too tense.

 _Where are you Sammy_ , I prayed.

* * *

 **For some reason I really wanted to do a John scene, and then this is the start of the events leading up to the beginning of the end. P.S have any requests for the next story, I'm going to plan it out ahead of time so we won't have such spaced apart updates like this one. I have the general plot ready but I love seeing what you guys want to read.**


	15. WiFi trouble

**Hey guys I've been without wifi for awhile now and this is the first time in forever I've been able to post anything but the bad news is it's now gonna last. I'm not sure when it'll be back on permanently but until then I've been writing chapters in my notebook and don't have time to convert them into the computer. Please bare with me guys, I'm trying.**


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